Deep Thinking Friday

Well the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us and it is not the time to start thinking about defenses against the undead. Like the Boy Scouts, you need to be prepared for this well before the event. Fortunately, the Random Crusader has some tips to help you prepare a modest zombie defense. Of course the larger your local population the more preparations you need to make including having an escape route out of larger cities.

First, let me assure you that I have neither purchased nor read any books about zombie home defense. This is all from thorough video research and plain old common sense.

On to the target undead: the zombie. Unlike the modern movie or video game portrayal of the zombie, they should be a slow moving (ambling if you will) relatively non cunning foe. These are animated dead usually through low level dark magic or a super virus that infects the motor function of the zombie (some posit that spending too much time inside the DC beltway will also create zombies and cite Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and others as example). They will not recognize non-deceased friends or family as the higher brain functions (more evidence that politicians are infected) are still dead. The primary goal of a zombie is to consume - although this consumption neither satisfies nor sustains the zombie. Human brain attracts the zombie because the bio-electrical impulses of a living brain urge the zombie to try to return from its undead state to life. Consuming a living brain fails at this and generally only serves to infect the formerly living person, creating a new zombie. Be ready to see numerous zombies with head injuries and possibly gray matter hanging from said wound.

Killing a zombie is relatively easy when compared to other forms of the undead. Crushing the skull or decapitating it will stop a zombie cold. It should be noted however that the decapitated head of the zombie will live on for some time before the magic breaks or the virus starves to death so be careful not to reach anywhere close to the mouth if you have to handle the removed head of a zombie.

In your anti-zombie arsenal, you need at least one reusable, blunt instrument that can cause severe head trauma. Anything from an iron pipe to a baseball bat will do. I personally recommend having a cricket bat on hand. The cricket bat has a wide, flat, face good for slashing hits on the base of the skull (nearest the medulla oblongata). Cricket bats are sturdy and should get you through a good number of zombies before showing signs of wear. A regulation Louisville Slugger is also a good weapon to have. It offers higher swing speed due to less resistance than the cricket bat but can sustain less wear and tear (especially if it maple and not ash). In a pinch, you can also use a golf club or hockey stick though these will have extremely low reusability factors.

Next, I recommend a good sword. I personally carry a 'bastard' or hand and a half sword. It weighs about 5 pounds and has plenty of blade length guaranteeing good reuse factor as long as I don't drive it into trees, brick, or concrete. A machete is also a good tool but the single sided blade will be slower if you are surrounded. Axes and hatchets work well too though you have to be careful not to overswing with an axe because the momentum can carry you out of position and expose you to attacks. Other long blades will work well too. If you have to improvise, good meat cleavers can be used. Other good kitchen knives will also work but often put you in extremely close contact with the zombie. Remember you have to win every battle against a zombie while it just has to get in one lucky bite and you are lost. The further away from them you are, the better.

This brings me to what would seem like the best weapon against zombies: the gun. Unless you are the Lone Ranger, Annie Oakley, or Buffalo Bill, you might want to forgo handguns and rifles (although a handgun can be useful as a weapon of last resort at close range). A good shotgun is your best bet. At close to point blank range, any shotgun round will cause enough trauma to the zombie's cranium to save your lily white behind (sadly, African Americans and other minorities rarely survive encounters with the undead; I have a research staff on crack looking into this bizarre phenomenon). The downside to any gun is that it is relatively heavy and ammunition in any significant quantity will weigh you down even more. For this reason, I recommend guns as auxiliary weapons only though a good shotgun can be used as a bludgeoning weapon when ammo is exhausted.

Now that you have an arsenal to defend against zombies, your real goal becomes apparent: get out of town! Unless you have a survival bunker your primary aim should be to flee the city and get as far away from populated areas as possible. The Zombie Apocalypse will not last forever since the magic or virus that animates the corpse is limited to 2-4 weeks (my research staff on crack will also investigate what keeps DC beltway zombies going since there is no active brain matter inside the beltway) without the consumption of human brains.

Take as many unaffected people with you as you can. Be aware though that minorities will likely not survive to get out of town (exempted from that are Samuel L Jackson or Ving Rhamesesque individuals). Others that seem to have trouble surviving are people of loose morals - especially women with 'reputations'. This may be less due to poor survival skills than the need to engage in the activities that gave them a reputation in the middle of said Zombie Apocalypse. The elderly are quite vulnerable but young children seem to have a higher survival rate than adults.

As you make your escape be aware of the following as well. If anyone is determined to leave the group, you might as well shoot them as they will soon be zombified anyway. Girlie girls (and I suppose girlie men) who cannot run or refuse to trade in stiletto heels for a good pair of running shoes should be culled from the group right away (your option on saving the high strung dog in their purses). People who refuse to believe what is happening should be summarily dispatched; preferably by pushing them into a group of oncoming zombies in order to save your own hide. At the other end of the spectrum is the chronic whiner who believes that we all all dead, or boned, or hosed, or insert preffered idiom for being doomed here. If you must take them along be prepared to hurl them into a group of zombies as a distraction or shoot them yourself along the way. Finally regarding the undesirables you will pick up as you make your escape is to remember that under no circumstances should you ever Ever EVER take any extraordinary steps to save them. They were dead the moment the ZA began and just haven't realized it yet.

Well, good luck and hopefully I will see you, alive and well, once the ZA is over.